Best funny facebook status and twitter tweets

•     When you have a flask, every hour is happy hour.
•     Zindgi jhand hai fir bhi ghamand hai. (Hindi)
•     Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
•     Never drink water – if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.
•     It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is. It’s always room-temperature.
•     Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.
•     When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
•     Always borrow money from a pessimist.A  He won’t expect it back.
•     If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
•     Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
•     Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
•     The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
•     If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
•     Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
•     Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
•     Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
•     Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you–Chinese Proverb
•     You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
•     Strangers have the best candy.
•     Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes. -Jack Handy
•     If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
•     When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
•     Keep smiling – it makes everyone wonder what you’re up to.
•     There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel…just hope it’s NOT a train!
•     If it doesn’t fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
•     If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
•     Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
•     Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.
•     Whoever said money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop.
•     There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
•     Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
•     Money can’t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
•     Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
•     When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
•     There’s nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
•     He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
•     Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
•     I’d rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
•     Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
•     Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
•     We are the people our parents warned us about.
•     Love your enemies. It’ll make ‘em crazy.
•     Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
•     Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
•     Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
•     He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
•     Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
•     Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
•     Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
•     When in doubt, mumble.
•     To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
•     A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
•     When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
•     Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
•     If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
•     What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.